Zoloft

I’m so serious right now.

The year & something that my blog was dead, I suffered a grand bit of anxiety and depression. It was lingering under the surface for a while, then the bottom fell out.

I couldn’t get out of bed.

I was late for work eeevvveryday. (Illegal parking saved me).

Sometimes I prayed, sometimes I didn’t.

When I didn’t have to be at work, I got up only to eat or use the bathroom.

But that ain’t the worst part!

People tried to talk me out of it.

“Don’t say you’re depressed.” “You need to stop that.” “We’re not gonna use the D word.” “You’ve got to get ready for marriage; depression is bad for that.”

Thanks! I feel so much better.

The idea that mental illness is not real and is a matter of changing your mind is stupid. It is just the epitome of ignorance.

Don’t ever accept blame from anyone about your mental illness. Never accept the idea that you should SIMPLY change your mind.

I changed my mind and realized how much I was hurting people, AFTER I got help. I went on zoloft for 2 months and saw a therapist. I then started the process of setting boundaries and making good choices. Guess what? Even depressed people have large egos. I’m proof.

Get help. You’ll know when it’s time. No one can make you or tell you when.

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So excited!

I’m SO excited!

One day I was at work and I was smiling ear to ear, and a loser hater cocked her neck and was like “wha’chu so happy about?”

I was like “Ain’t nothin’ to be upset about!” and left her lookin’ CRAAZEE!

I’m so excited, lol!

Blending in is easy

I learned early that being vivacious, energetic and ambitious was offensive.

At least that’s what I was made to believe. I was made to feel like all my ideas, dreams, goals, etc were so far fetched. That the real tract my life was going/supposed to take was:

1. School

2. Job

3. Marriage

4. Kids

I did the first two, and the last one by proxy (raising my niece). Everything should have been ok, because I did what I was supposed to do. 

But it wasn’t. I had let the world mold me, I became silent and learned to blend in. I blended in by being like everyone else, MENTALLY. Anxious, depressed, overworked. I blamed the government for me not getting ahead because they tax half my earnings; that’s what everyone else did. I blamed my boss because the work was too much for the least possible pay; that’s what everyone else did. I complained that no one was helping me get my life situated perfectly; that’s what everyone else did. I self pitied because I wasn’t good enough; like everyone else.

I’m so done. 

All my zeal, pride, curiosity, desire for life, lack of fear, all of it! I didn’t realize that not everyone had it, and I was a target for ridicule utter mental destruction. Because I had all the traits of a successful person.

Wow.

I guess I’m gonna stick out like a freakin sore thumb now! And RISE!

Working

When I first started my job, the two songs that played in my head every morning as I watched people walking in droves from the parking lot to the hospital were:

“Good morning” by Kanye West. (“don’t look around, just read this…ok look up now, they stole you’re streetness.”)

“Marching ants” by the Dave Matthews band.

It was official. I was an ant. But I didn’t want people to know that I thought we were all ants marching. So when my classmates whom I graduated with asked me if I liked my job, I smiled and said “yes.”

I’m a liar. I like taking care of people, but really, I accepted the role of being altruistic to protect my ego. 

I’m a natural born hustler and the only person who believed in me was my dad. Why wasn’t that enough? 

Now I’m just an ant, but not for long. 

The old Sakeena is back.